WASHINGTON—The federal government announced Monday the launch of its new "Unlimited Patent Rights" program, a comprehensive initiative that immediately claims ownership of "all inventions, innovations, and good ideas" created by American citizens, whether or not they have been patented.
"We're very excited about this program," said Department of Commerce spokesperson Janet Williams, standing in front of a wall covered in patent certificates that the government had "acquired" over the weekend. "For too long, Americans have been creating things without properly sharing them with the government. Those days are over. Those days are... ours now."
The program, which went into effect immediately upon announcement, grants the government "unlimited, perpetual, and irrevocable rights" to use, modify, and license any invention created by any American citizen, regardless of whether the invention has been patented, trademarked, or even thought of yet.
"We're being very proactive," Williams explained. "We're not just claiming ownership of existing patents. We're claiming ownership of future patents. We're claiming ownership of ideas people haven't even had yet. We're claiming ownership of the concept of innovation itself. It's very comprehensive."
According to program documents, the government now owns:
- All existing patents filed by American citizens
- All future patents that will be filed by American citizens
- All inventions that haven't been patented yet
- All ideas that haven't been turned into inventions yet
- "The general concept of having ideas" (pending legal review)
"We're not trying to be unreasonable," Williams said, while government lawyers filed paperwork claiming ownership of "breathing," "thinking," and "existing." "We just want what's fair. And what's fair is that we own everything. It's simple. It's elegant. It's... wait, why are you backing away? Come back! We haven't finished claiming ownership of your personal belongings yet!"
Legal experts, however, remain skeptical.
"This is... not how patents work," said patent attorney Michael Chen, who reviewed the program "out of morbid curiosity." "The government can't just claim ownership of all inventions. That's not a thing. That's not how any of this works. This is either a very elaborate prank or someone at the Department of Commerce had a really bad day."
The program has already faced several legal challenges. On Tuesday, a coalition of inventors filed a lawsuit claiming that the government's program is "obviously unconstitutional" and "completely absurd."
"You can't just claim ownership of everything," said inventor Sarah Martinez, who is leading the lawsuit. "That's not how patents work. That's not how property works. That's not how anything works. This is ridiculous."
Williams, however, remains confident.
"These people are just jealous of our comprehensive patent acquisition strategy," she said. "We didn't just claim ownership of existing patents. We claimed ownership of future patents. We claimed ownership of the concept of patents themselves. It's very thorough. It's very... wait, are you inventing something right now? Because that's ours. We're going to need to see some identification."
The program has not been without controversy. On Wednesday, the government sent cease-and-desist letters to "every American citizen," demanding that they "immediately cease all inventing activities" until the government can "properly claim ownership" of their ideas.
"We're just trying to be organized," Williams explained. "We can't have people inventing things willy-nilly without us claiming ownership first. That's chaos. That's anarchy. That's... wait, why are you closing that laptop? Are you hiding an invention? Because that's a violation. We're going to need to search your premises."
The program has also expanded to include international patents. On Thursday, the government announced it was "considering" claiming ownership of "all inventions created by anyone, anywhere, ever."
"We're thinking globally," Williams said. "Why limit ourselves to American inventions? We could claim ownership of everything. All inventions. All ideas. All thoughts. It's ambitious. It's comprehensive. It's... wait, are you thinking right now? Because those thoughts are ours. We're going to need to see your brain. Legally."
As of press time, the government was reportedly working on its next big acquisition: "A method for claiming ownership of the concept of ownership itself."
"This one's going to be huge," Williams said. "We're going to own ownership. It's meta. It's innovative. It's... wait, why are you running? Come back! We haven't finished claiming ownership of your ability to run yet!"
